It’s A Control Thing

I recently had another moment of clarity it my long journey with anxiety. The truth of the matter is I am beginning to miss the klonopin. I am hesitant to say that out loud because saying it is the first step towards using it, and I know that would be a bad choice, but for ten years it squelched the anxiety so effectively that I have come to understand that much of the psychiatric treatment I sought out in that time was to counter the depressed mood the benzo was causing. What I thought was depression was mostly a side effect of the Klonopin which had completely masked the true enemy anxiety. Continue reading

Sleep Problems

“I’ve always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed.”
– David Benoiff

I struggled with Insomnia all weekend. Saturday morning when the birds began to sing outside I had yet to even feel the urge to doze. I did feel the anxiety attacks rack my body as the minutes and hour slipped past. I thought for certain that it couldn’t happen two nights in a row, which seemed ironic to me at 3:30 on Sunday morning. Last night I went to bed with a book and read some.  When my eyelids began to feel heavy I shut the light out. Complete sleep came within 45 minutes. God I hope it is over. The heaviness of the fatigue is debilitating, and brings a weakness to my mind that allows my thoughts too much freedom.