As the end of the weekend approaches I was looking for a little perspective to enter the coming workweek with. I posted this video last May and I want to share it again. I do not offer this as an example of how things could be worse, I don’t believe in ranking misery and misfortune, but I do believe it can help us to get out of our own head and see a larger view of the world. More than anything I see this video as providing inspiration and strength. I was sent this video by a young man who has survived Leukemia. Four years ago I did not know who he was, but I received a call from the Be The Match Foundation telling me that I was the match for a 16 year old boy. I donated marrow and a year and a half later I met him, and had the privilege of watching him graduate from high school. He has been through an unbelievable ordeal that began when he was only seven years old, but he has survived with a sense of purpose and his sense of humor entirely intact. He and his family have repeatedly thanked me, his grandmother had tears in her eyes and hugged me tightly when we met the first time, but I have said all along that this has been a gift that traveled in both directions. Sometimes our lives need a little perspective.
I have no idea which way to go. Every choice is going to be a long winding journey, and right now they all look the same. I am not even certain there is a “right” direction, or if there is success and security down any of these paths. I just need to take the first step, but which way?
On Monday I had an appointment with the doc that manages my medication. I went in having firmly decided to do something with the drugs. My world is definitely getting smaller and the process seems to be accelerating somewhat. There was a time when I eagerly sought opportunities to do things that I now find uncomfortable and anxiety provoking. I have been troubled by these changes as they have reached a point where they are really chipping away at my identity, and I had come to the conclusion that it was time to put the brakes on this process. Continue reading →
Another week brings another source of stress. As one fire gets put out at work another flares up. I have spent the week demanding that my boss contact several of my customers and talk with them. Tell them something, anything really, but take some of the pressure off me. I told him straight up that I have no problem facing the music when I created the problems. I have broad shoulders, but I am being buried by a shit storm that he made. He seemed to get it and made a couple calls for me. They guys I work for aren’t bad guys, they just aren’t the savviest businessmen you ever met. Continue reading →
I would like to tell you all that I slept like a baby last night, but I did not. I was tired and stayed up a little later than I should have watching nothing of any importance on the television. I think we were both mostly just putting off what has quickly come to feel like the inevitable pain of another sleepless night. I was feeling sleepy enough when we did turn out the light around 11:00 that I figured I would try sleeping without the prescribed pills that had done so very little the first night.
I don’t really recall much after the light went out, but I woke up around 1:15 and I remember thinking to myself “Christ it’s been two hours and I’m still awake”. I immediately decided to pop a pill, but as I walked to the bathroom I began to realize that I may have been asleep. I took the pill anyway and returned to bed. The next thing I know its 3:15 and I have definitely been asleep, but I need to use the bathroom. I returned to bed and slept through to 6:00. As the day winds down I am again feeling pretty tired, but it was nice for awhile today to feel human again. The sun was shining and I actually felt pretty good for a significant portion of the day.
A few days ago I mentioned that I had made the call about getting another prescription for Wellbutrin. Last Friday the prescription was filled and took the first dose. It has been seven days now and the stuff should be just about starting to take hold. It will probably be another week or so before it is at full strength, but maybe some of the lifting today has to do with the medication. Wellbutrin has never helped with insomnia in the past, but I have never had Insomnia like this in the past so maybe it will get better. The pills prescribed for sleep were actually clonodine which is a blood pressure medication rather than sleeping pills. Apparently is has a relaxing sedative effect without all the baggage that comes along with actual sleeping pills. After my recent experience with Klonopin I was relieved that they were “light weight” sleep aids, but of course they weren’t the most effective solution either. In the light of the day at this moment I am again hopeful that things are improving. I felt so good for a short period of time, and my fingers are crossed that I can get back there and maintain that place.
“I’ve always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed.”
– David Benoiff
I struggled with Insomnia all weekend. Saturday morning when the birds began to sing outside I had yet to even feel the urge to doze. I did feel the anxiety attacks rack my body as the minutes and hour slipped past. I thought for certain that it couldn’t happen two nights in a row, which seemed ironic to me at 3:30 on Sunday morning. Last night I went to bed with a book and read some. When my eyelids began to feel heavy I shut the light out. Complete sleep came within 45 minutes. God I hope it is over. The heaviness of the fatigue is debilitating, and brings a weakness to my mind that allows my thoughts too much freedom.