For a while I posted a lot of music in this space. I have gotten away from it some, but I stumbled across a tune this weekend that really resonated. I have been a small town guy forever. I went to college in a small to medium size city, about 100,000 people, but it was a tiny school which amounted to a small town inside the larger city. I lived and worked for a couple years in what passes for a city around here, but would just be a big town in most places. My roots are from tiny communities on offshore islands so small town living and everything that goes with it is truly a part of my identity. From the outside these little communities look all quaint and quiet and thye mostly are, but when things go bad there are no secrets and there is no place to hide. This J.T. Hodges song “Sleep Little Town” does a pretty good job and capturing what it like when the façade comes down around big fish in small ponds.
I have no idea which way to go. Every choice is going to be a long winding journey, and right now they all look the same. I am not even certain there is a “right” direction, or if there is success and security down any of these paths. I just need to take the first step, but which way?
On Monday I had an appointment with the doc that manages my medication. I went in having firmly decided to do something with the drugs. My world is definitely getting smaller and the process seems to be accelerating somewhat. There was a time when I eagerly sought opportunities to do things that I now find uncomfortable and anxiety provoking. I have been troubled by these changes as they have reached a point where they are really chipping away at my identity, and I had come to the conclusion that it was time to put the brakes on this process. Continue reading
A few weeks back I relayed a comment a therapist made to me about anxiety making a person’s world grow smaller and smaller. I had not thought about anxiety in this context before, but it is the perfect description. For some this may not be a fresh revelation, but I have been living with anxiety for years and while I was aware that this was happening to me I had not found a way to clearly voice it. Somehow being able to articulate what is happening offers some respite from the feelings of loss that accompany the anxiety. Continue reading
The chaos of the holiday season has left me little time to think or write over the past month. A few ideas have run through my head, but finding the time to put them to words has been near impossible. As the first week of the new year comes to a close I find myself with a little time and it has occurred to me that I have reached something of a milestone. It was at the end of December 2011 that I took my last Klonopin. I have now been flying without my anxiety safety net for an entire year. Continue reading