Last week I was supposed to be on vacation. I didn’t actual drive around like a normal week, but I did handle a lot of work related crap each day. I have a number of bad hard problems created by my employer that put me in ethical quandaries that are simply trumped by my financial reality. This makes me sick. I feel like I am selling my soul, but in this economy I don’t feel like I have much choice. The mortgage is due the first of every month and my child meets me at the door each night ready for dinner. The bank man needs to get paid and the boy needs to eat. It is no more complicated than that. Except it is. Much more. “Golden handcuffs” was the term used to describe my circumstances. If only. If they were made of gold I would not be transferring money from savings each month to pay my bills. More like copper or tin handcuffs. Just enough value to keep me off the street.
Interestingly while on vacation sleep was not a problem for me. I hadn’t actually escaped the problems, but dealing with them was my choice. It was simply me trying to do my best to get my customers what they need through the financial chaos and mayhem of the company I work for. Monday nigh, after my first day back on the road, I slept fitfully on and off throughout the night. Last night I had the same trouble. Slow to get to sleep, and when it came it only offered a brief respite from the tossing and turning. The awkwardness and tension of the past nights has left me with pain in my upper back and shoulders. It hurts to breathe which is interesting because that means it is literally painful to be alive. How apropos. If this keeps up maybe the soup line is a better option.