Another week brings another source of stress. As one fire gets put out at work another flares up. I have spent the week demanding that my boss contact several of my customers and talk with them. Tell them something, anything really, but take some of the pressure off me. I told him straight up that I have no problem facing the music when I created the problems. I have broad shoulders, but I am being buried by a shit storm that he made. He seemed to get it and made a couple calls for me. They guys I work for aren’t bad guys, they just aren’t the savviest businessmen you ever met. Continue reading
Last week I was supposed to be on vacation. I didn’t actual drive around like a normal week, but I did handle a lot of work related crap each day. I have a number of bad hard problems created by my employer that put me in ethical quandaries that are simply trumped by my financial reality. This makes me sick. I feel like I am selling my soul, but in this economy I don’t feel like I have much choice. The mortgage is due the first of every month and my child meets me at the door each night ready for dinner. The bank man needs to get paid and the boy needs to eat. It is no more complicated than that. Except it is. Much more. “Golden handcuffs” was the term used to describe my circumstances. If only. If they were made of gold I would not be transferring money from savings each month to pay my bills. More like copper or tin handcuffs. Just enough value to keep me off the street. Continue reading
Yesterday I posted a poetry reading by Catalina Ferro called Anxiety Group. If you missed it I would strongly encourage you to check out that post and give it a listen. It is very very good. After hearing it I listened to some more of her readings and would like to share a couple of them with you here also.
The first is funny and relevant to this blog. In a sort of sideways manner it discusses anxiety in the real world, but it will make you laugh at the same time. I hope you enjoy Emergency Exit Row:
The second is only relevant in the sense that I not so subtly continue to refer to religion and my internal spiritual conflicts. When this rant started I wasn’t sure what to make of it, but by the end I was being moved by the power and truth in her words. Give this a couple minutes before you give up on it.
Don’t forget to vote!!
I am not sure I have ever heard it said any better. I am particularly fond of the references to Insomnia and Klonopin.
Over the last several months there has been something happening in the background of this blog. On what I thought was something of a whim I shared a piece of music that I really enjoyed. I commented in the post that I had always enjoyed music, but expressing my musical preferences always seemed like dangerous ground socially. I just figured there was no need to offer up information about oneself that would be judged. There was something liberating about that post and I have since begun sharing more music and in most cases explaining the significance of the music to my life. This process has created something of an awakening inside me relative to the power of music as a media of emotion. As I have explored this I have uncovered some powerful music that has moved me. Much of what I have discovered is pretty popular stuff, and by admitting that I have never heard it I am basically revealing that I do in fact live under a rock. The thing is I discovered a couple of these songs in a way that separated me from their original sound, and it is that which I hope to share here. Continue reading
The last couple weeks have been a confusing time for me. I have found myself in somewhat unfamiliar territory emotionally and physically. About three weeks ago I made a casual observation that my mind had become somewhat muddied. My cognitive processes seemed much slower and my memory had gone to pot. I was having a great deal of trouble recalling names from the previous chapters of my life, and I couldn’t seem to remember to do anything. Theses memory problems were most troublesome because I work as a salesman and forgetfulness is bad for business, but as time passed they worried me a little more.
Along with the mental cloudiness my temper was getting much shorter and as time passed my wife and I barely spoke without ending up making some sort of short, frustrated, and angry comment toward each other. About a week ago I began to notice I was doing things that made no sense, like forgetting steps of repetitive tasks I have completed thousands of times, and was becoming distrustful of myself which in turn was causing a marked increase in my anxiety levels. I had just come to the realization that I was beginning to slide downhill quickly when this weekend the tension with my wife exploded into a real open argument. She basically asked me what the hell was going on that I was repeatedly doing things that made no sense, or failing to do things that were obvious. It seems the greatest source of frustration on her part was that I had turned into a complete idiot. Continue reading