Uncertainty

 

“There is a time in the life of every boy when he for the first time takes the backward view of life. Perhaps that is the moment when he crosses the line into manhood. The boy is walking through the street of his town. He is thinking of the future and of the figure he will cut in the world. Ambitions and regrets awake within him. Suddenly something happens; he stops under a tree and waits as for a voice calling his name. Ghosts of old things creep into his consciousness; the voices outside of himself whisper a message concerning the limitations of life. From being quite sure of himself and his future he becomes not at all sure. If he be an imaginative boy a door is torn open and for the first time he looks out upon the world, seeing, as though they marched in procession before him, the countless figures of men who before his time have come out of nothingness into the world, lived their lives and again disappeared into nothingness. The sadness of sophistication has come to the boy. With a little gasp he sees himself as merely a leaf blown by the wind through the streets of his village. He knows that in spite of all the stout talk of his fellows he must live and die in uncertainty, a thing blown by the winds, a thing destined like corn to wilt in the sun.” – Sherwood Anderson

For some time now I have been struggling with the future. I have reached a professional dead end. I have pretty much put my entire life on hold for a little over a year waiting for some things to play out that will allow me to make the “right” decision moving forward. That something should come to resolution over the winter, but the prolonged uncertainty and lack of direction has been exhausting and is wearing on my ability to see with perspective. I find myself concerned with the big unanswerable life questions like What is the point of this? What am I doing here? What happens when it is over? Why is it moving so fast? These are not safe places for the anxious mind. The ice is getting thinner.

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