This coming Friday I have an appointment with the doc to go over my medication. The Wellbutrin has helped a great deal. For the first couple weeks I felt brain dead. It was hard to concentrate and I sometimes felt a little disoriented, but all that has passed, and while not 100% I feel much better than before. This short lived foray into a drug free life has raised some questions. I think my official diagnosis is Severe Depressive Disorder without Psychotic Tendencies, or something like that. I remember the first time I heard it I thought the word “severe” was stretching things a bit, but he was the doc so I let it slide. Over the past couple months as things started to come apart a depressed mood was not the problem. Everything started with, and was centered on, anxiety. I was having these crazy thoughts about the purpose of life and what happens at the end of life, and even then I wasn’t sad about those things as much as I was scared of them. I could tell that if I allowed things to continue a depressed mood was going to be the result, but the problem was anxiety. I mentioned this in passing at my last appointment and was told that early onset of depression in men takes the form of agitation and anxiety and that he didn’t think a new diagnosis was warranted.
Initially I accepted that, but as the weeks have passed I am not so sure. I don’t remember exactly what my original diagnosis was, but I do know that I wasn’t sure what was happening to me, and I waited a long time to get help. When the picture began to clear I knew that use of medication would end the career I had just spent a great deal of money and effort to attain. As a result I went to talk therapy, but I held off for nearly a year taking any medications. I was initially hit with symptoms in early May, and did not take any medications until mid-March of the following year. By then I was surely depressed by a number of things including living with the elevated level of anxiety and the loss of a career path I truly enjoyed. Given the amount of time that passed from the start of the problem to the effective treatment I am no longer convinced that depression was the problem so much as a symptom. My recent discovery concerning emetophobia also sheds some light how long I was actually living with these high anxiety levels and really didn’t even know it.
I think that on Friday I am going to present this line of thought to the doctor and see if he is open to revaluating what is happening with me. This particular doc never knew me before I was on Klonopin either. He always said it was a mood depressant. I have had problems with depressed mood over the years there is no doubt about that, but could I have been more susceptible because of the Klonopin? Again this makes the depression more a symptom than the core problem. If he is not open to a revaluation I am going to consider switching docs. I really think there may be something to this.