Two weeks ago I used the anonymous platform of this blog to rebel against one of my own long entrenched self defense mechanisms. I am sure to any readers that came across my post it didn’t seem like it was that big a deal. The truth is it didn’t seem like that big a deal to me either. I had heard a song that I really liked and I wanted to tell someone. I wrote at the time that music was something that I was never comfortable expressing my views about. I was afraid of the judgments of my peers, but I had realized that nobody in the blogosphere has any idea who I am so it felt safe. Too my surprise the post was well received and relative to my very small readership appeared fairly popular. After the first post I was feeling encouraged so last week I posted another song, and again folks seemed to like it. Tonight I graduated from my anonymous blog and posted something in a more public forum. It wasn’t music and it wasn’t controversial in any way, but I clipped a yahoo news article and linked it to my Facebook account. I have never done this before. On FB I have always been a lurker. I comment on very little for the same reason that I never tell anybody what music I like.
So did timidly putting my toe in the water on this blog cure my social anxieties and self confidence issues? No. Did it help? Absolutely. I commented a couple weeks back that I have noticed that with the medications all leaving my system a little bit of my old attitude seems to be returning. People used to comment before the depression and anxiety took over my life that I could always be counted on for an honest opinion. I didn’t really varnish the truth, but at the same time I was afraid to tell you what my favorite song was because I didn’t want to be judged. What a strange combination of personality traits.
I can say with certainty that this blog and those that read and comment on it have been unexpectedly therapeutic. I never expected this little digital space to have any real impact on my life, but as the weeks and months pass I am beginning to see connections between the issues I address here, and my ability to cope with those same issues in the real world. For this I am grateful.
I have been giving some thought to the direction I want to take this blog. The addition of the music posts has been both personally helpful and fun. Last week I posted some lifestlyle stuff that I also enjoyed writing. I imagine that I will air all that out on here in the future, but for now in the spirit of music, healing, and strength through adversity I leave you with this music video sent to me by an amazing 19 year old man and leukemia survivor. (I posted this to my Facebook also).