The Last Pill

It has been a long week. Not bad necessarily, but long. The night of insomnia has stuck with me over the past week or so. I have had mixed success getting to sleep, but nothing as bad as that night last week. Still I cant seem to get the misery of it out of my head and every night as bedtime approaches I start to get all tight worrying about getting to sleep. Tonight is the final night of klonopin. I take a half a pill before bed and I am done. Tomorrow starts a new chapter of living, and sleeping, without the help of a benzodiazepine. I don’t really know what to think of it. I am glad I have a long weekend to get through the start of it, but so far my experience has been that the worst of the symptoms from each decrease take place Monday through Wednesday or Thursday of the following week. Things should just be getting interesting when it is time to return to work.

The symptoms over the last week have been all over the map. Sometimes a feel okay, but mostly I feel very edgy. My mind has been free to run, and I have moments where I feel hyperaware of myself and my progress through life. I will be looking at my two year old and suddenly he is seventeen and I am in my fifties. It is unsettling. I have spent way too much time inside this week which always makes my brain a little fuzzy. I actually had to go to work for a couple hours this morning which left me feeling a little better and more clearheaded when it was over, but during the drive itself I was feeling a little fuzzy and disoriented. I hate driving when I feel like that. It is as if I am on autopilot and I am acting without really thinking.

My wife has been great over the past week. There has been a lot of understanding and loving behavior. We have been intimate more in the past couple weeks than we have been in the last three months, which has helped keep me feeling balanced. It has also helped me sleep. I am grateful to her for all of the help she has provided. I have had a couple hours to myself this afternoon which has provided time to write this, and rest some. I really need some quiet private time each day, and I have gotten very little of that over the past couple weeks.

I apologize of the rambling nature of this post. More than anything trying to chronicle what it feels like withdraw from the Klonopin for myself and the benefit of any others who follow me an happen to find this. I hope after the first of the year to get some more regular and coherent posting out.

Happy New Year

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One thought on “The Last Pill

  1. I don’t know if you’ll find this helpful, but I go crazy when I’m inside too much. We’ve had a “barfing bug” in the house for about a week now. My youngest went down on Christmas night, and she was puking every 20 minutes for 12 hours and on it went for 24 hours. Then, another kid wasn’t well. Then, another kid wasn’t well. I left the house yesterday for the first time since Christmas Eve afternoon. I started to feel like the walls were closing in on me, I couldn’t achieve any sort of mental clarity, and I, too, begin to count the years. I’ll be in my 50s when my youngest is in her 20s. My imagination goes wild–AARP, cellulite gone wild, saggy bag o’bones…the walls are getting closer….”How do you spell ‘soap’?…Is ‘as’ a word? I’ve never seen that word EVER!” Loud noises start to bother me. I start to hear everything. The sound of the dog smacking begins to grate…There is something deeply discouraging and almost insanity provoking about being inside for too long. It isn’t just you, and it has nothing to do with going off benzos. BUT…couple that WITH going off benzos and anxiety about pending insomnia and you’re in for “interesting times”. Personally, I think whatever idiot fortune teller wished that we would “Always live in interesting times” can shove it. I’ll take a bit of predictability right about now.

    BTW, I think you’re doing brilliantly.

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