Yesterday I had an appointment to discuss where I stand in the process of discontinuing the Klonopin. Prior to the appointment the day had been going very well. The antibiotic from for the sinusitis is working well, and after two doses I was feeling much better on that front. It seems the sinus infection may have been exacerbating the withdrawal symptoms. Other than feeling uneasy and strangely emotional I was doing pretty well. Still after Monday and Tuesday I wanted to talk about the steepness of the taper. He advised me that slowing the taper would probably just prolong the misery and my best course of action would be to continue as we originally discussed. Given that I did feel much better yesterday I agreed.
Last night I was struck with the worst case of insomnia I have had since I started taking the Klonopin ten years ago. One of the worst symptoms of the anxiety was the inability to sleep. I don’t know how it goes for other folks, but for me the inability to sleep becomes like a snowball rolling down a hill. As it becomes apparent that I am not going to get to sleep easily it becomes harder and harder to get to sleep. The anxiousness begins to take over as I calculate the decreasing number of hours between the current time and the time I need to get up. Will I be able t function through the day? What if this happens again tomorrow? Jesus I need some fucking sleep!! And on it goes until some ungodly time in the wee hours of the morning.
When I was using Klonopin on the rare occasions that this process got started I would get up and take another pill. The double dose was always enough to put an end to the problem. Last night that was not an option. I tried everything under the sun. I always find holding my wife in the spoons position to be very comforting. It has helped before, but I recently developed tendonitis in my shoulder and took a fall on the elbow on the same side making lying in the position painful. I tried it for awhile anyway, but it was clear the pain was too distracting. When my mind began racing I tried some deep breathing relaxation exercises. Nope. Then I tried counting, something that seems to keep my mind focused, but I couldn’t seem to make that work. I got up and took some advil to ease the discomfort in my arm, and the mild headache I still had from the sinusitis. Nope. About 1:00 I woke my wife to tell her what was up. I don’t know why, but I was feeling very alone and needed to share. Really kind of a dickhead move on my part. Like a typical guy I am always ready for a nap after sex so for a long time I considered masturbating. My wife was sleeping next to me, and something about that just didn’t feel right so I let that go for awhile. At 2:30 I took anothe dose of Buspar. It doesn’t have the same sedative effect as the Klonopin, but anything was worth a shot. By 2:50 I had been in bed and awake for nearly five hours and was getting desperate. I pushed the covers back and began to try a little self pleasuring. I figured the endorphin rush from an orgasm would be relaxing enough to lessen my anxiety and let me sleep. How clinical off me. I had hardly gotten started when my wife who had slept through the entire process so far picked up her head and asked if that noise was me. Busted. Shit. I said it was and she was snoring again instantly, but the moment was lost so I rolled over put my head into my pillow and began counting again. It was 2:53 and I resolved to not look at the clock again. I got all the way to 661 before I began losing my place. My mind would wander some, but I could bring myself back. This was a good sign. I think I began to doze but would quickly reawaken and begin counting again. I recall getting over 700, but nothing after until the alarm went off at six. My wife kindly took our son into the bathroom with her while she showered letting me get a little more rest, but by 6:45 I was reading “Mike Mulligan And His Steam Shovel” to a bright eyed and bushy tailed two year old.
Now it is time to get cleaned up some and go to work for the first time all week. I feel pretty good about it though I have a lot to do after taking the first three days off to look after the boy. I am obviously exhausted, but it is a sunny day here so hopefully I can get through the driving, stay awake, and get home before it gets dark. Something that happens way to early around here, but at least we are starting to go the right direction with that. Let s hope for decent night’s sleep tonight, and continued easing of the withdrawal effects.